Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
