Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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