Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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