Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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