she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hate all girls vehemently.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
