New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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