I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
