glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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