I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
