Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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