speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
