Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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