So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
