News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
