I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
