I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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