Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
