Already got asked if we're dating
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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