Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
