I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Your dad touched me again.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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