ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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