Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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