Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
