I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
