This girl is more easily done than said...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
