I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
