I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
