I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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