Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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