At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
