Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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