Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
