i jhust puked up my retainher.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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