I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We left the knife in your bed.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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