WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
