just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think people are normalizing furries
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
