the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
