when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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