Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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