my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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