Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
