i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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