I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
