I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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