dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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