That's when you crack a 10am beer
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize