i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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