so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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