just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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