There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize