Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
