i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
