I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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