whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I skipped work to stalk him.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
