On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
it hurts more in the daytime
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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