Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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