Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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