im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
