is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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