Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
