sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
she smelled like a LAN party
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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