If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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