the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
