why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
