I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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