i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
