You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I need a hoe opinion
go on
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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