I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
