Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
