It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
