i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
