piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
