Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize