The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
