Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize