I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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