i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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